i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
