Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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