Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
