quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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