it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
