Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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