my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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