Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
