is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just gift wrapped bread.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
