I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
