Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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