Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
