The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
