My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I've blown a few things in my day
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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