what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
