Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
