Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
