we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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