ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
