the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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