apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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