does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Soap is not a condiment
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
