Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
