So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
