My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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