I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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