note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
