I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
