Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize