I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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