Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
