if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
