Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
