my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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