You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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