i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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