no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize