when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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