dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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