Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
