I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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