I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
