Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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