My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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