I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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