Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
