Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
