your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
