I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Im part way to drunk.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
