I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
