It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
