If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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