I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize