I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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