We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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