A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
