So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
