she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This house was built for laser tag.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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