I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
