My hair reeks of homosexuality.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
