I've blown a few things in my day
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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