Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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