i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
