On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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