It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
